Seen It All Before
I'm not sure where to begin. It's been seven years since I have written anything that wasn't assigned for school.
I'm hoping that as I go on this gets easier and easier but I highly doubt it.
I don't think there is anything in this world that can make a depressed person feel anything the way that Oliver Sykes can. Even if it's just anger and sadness. At least I am finally feeling something. It's like I don't feel anything on a normal day. Yeah I can smile at a puppy on the street or I will laugh at the randomest thing in the world, but inside I have no emotions motivating me to live anymore. Does that make any sense??
I've spent most of my life low. I've tried to overdose three times as a teenager but I did it for the attention of my parents. Right now, I'm so fucking suicidal that I don't want to overdose on anything because I'm sure I'd just fail at that too.
My dreams of becoming a police officer I'm just throwing out the window. Why? Because I honest to God do not trust myself with a gun. Maybe my depression wouldn't be as bad if I had a job I loved but just in case, I wouldn't want to take that chance. There would be news articles and all that shit about it and I just want to be as invisable as possible.
Which is hard for me, I've spent my entire childhood begging for attention and now I complain about it. How does that work out? I spent so much time changing the way I looked so that I would be this attractive person and now I don't give a rats ass what I look like. I don't think I've brushed my hair in years, I don't get my eyebrows done anymore, fuck my appearance or my daily hygine. I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's just absolute bullshit.
I quit my job today. It was a really good job but it was like slave labor. I feel horrible saying that but it's true. So now that I have all this free time. I'm going to start writing.
I'm hoping that as I go on this gets easier and easier but I highly doubt it.
I don't think there is anything in this world that can make a depressed person feel anything the way that Oliver Sykes can. Even if it's just anger and sadness. At least I am finally feeling something. It's like I don't feel anything on a normal day. Yeah I can smile at a puppy on the street or I will laugh at the randomest thing in the world, but inside I have no emotions motivating me to live anymore. Does that make any sense??
I've spent most of my life low. I've tried to overdose three times as a teenager but I did it for the attention of my parents. Right now, I'm so fucking suicidal that I don't want to overdose on anything because I'm sure I'd just fail at that too.
My dreams of becoming a police officer I'm just throwing out the window. Why? Because I honest to God do not trust myself with a gun. Maybe my depression wouldn't be as bad if I had a job I loved but just in case, I wouldn't want to take that chance. There would be news articles and all that shit about it and I just want to be as invisable as possible.
Which is hard for me, I've spent my entire childhood begging for attention and now I complain about it. How does that work out? I spent so much time changing the way I looked so that I would be this attractive person and now I don't give a rats ass what I look like. I don't think I've brushed my hair in years, I don't get my eyebrows done anymore, fuck my appearance or my daily hygine. I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's just absolute bullshit.
I quit my job today. It was a really good job but it was like slave labor. I feel horrible saying that but it's true. So now that I have all this free time. I'm going to start writing.
And then I found out how hard it is to really change. Even Hell can get comfy once you've settled in. I just wanted the numb inside me to leave. No matter how fucked you get, sorrow is there when you come back down. The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had. There's glimpses of heaven in every day. In the friends I have, the music I make, the love that I feel. I just had to start again. -"Hospital for Souls" Bring Me the Horizon
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